It's come to a point where I really dread going to work.

You know how in school as much as you hate school, you'll still go to school because you have friends? Its never like that for me. I would miss a few days of school to come back and realise I've been missing out. Its the same with work now. Even when I have friends, I still feel lonely as fuck.

I hate this feeling. Where I just can't wait to go home and cry. I don't blame them, really, no one really understands me anyway. Besides, its a stupid feeling. I think its also partly why I developed distrust in people. I don't trust the things people say about me when I'm not there. And believe me, that's the sad truth. Even if you don't do that to them. There will always be things you don't do right.

I won't deny I'm a boring person. I like being alone and practically nothing exciting happens in my life. I have a knack in making the most exciting thing sounds boring. I can downplay a gossip to become something very normal. Its also why I don't get close to anyone. I would hate to subject my boredom to others.  But trust me, I'm not bored. I'm as aware of life as any other living person.

Another thing I hate is having to explain to others. I just feel that if they know me, they would take me as I am. Or they will ask. I hate people assuming things about me and treating me with kid gloves. I can handle it, you know.

I used to like this guy a lot. We were friends for a long time and he liked me too. But because there was a communication breakdown, we never ended up together. Its a lesson to me actually. I didn't trust him enough in the sense that whatever I say will make it's way to his friends and I will feel exposed. I really hate confiding in someone only to find out that they exposed my feelings to others. I would love for my words to only be theirs - the person whom I confide in. I am difficult like that. So until I can find someone I'm comfortable with and whom I can trust, I think I'll be alone for a while.

Its always been like that, anyway.

Isn't it scary that I don't feel any sense of attachment to others? When people tell me they miss me, I'm not sure if I feel the same way. Maybe a part of me does but I can still live with it. I don't know, I need to find myself more.

Till then