I was late for work for 2 consecutive days. And it’s freaking ridiculous.

I didn’t want that to happen but it did, shit usually happens to me.

Like what I am going through right now..

It’s a very personal thing for me because I feel embarrassed and humiliated

when my feelings are forsaken. I’m not the only one with feelings of course.

I think I’ve learnt about myself better. I get jealous and insecure over nothing.

You can chalk it up to me being crazy or whatever but I don’t wish to explain.

I will socially withdraw when I find out something that hurts me.

I go through a series of emotions that becomes very toxic and confusing.

It is as easy as just letting it go but it’s not for me because I usually feel more than I let on.

I know you hate me right now, you have given so many warnings that I didn’t heed.

It’s safe to say that I brought this upon myself.

I’m the only one who cares.

I can say that I did.

They say I can talk about it if I want to, but I know better.

When they know the reason, it’s just a reflection of who I am.

I am not a good person, but everyday it’s a choice to be one.

It takes a very conscious effort to be one. There are usually more don’ts than there are dos.

I’m working on not caring, I’m working on not being too concerned.

I usually give people what they want and I am giving you what you want.

I know you are happy, and that’s all that matters.

Or not

If you’re gonna take a chance on me

You have to know that I can be really foolish

I may not look like it but my mind goes all sorts of ways

I try my very best to rest my mind but it’s usually what ruins everything, I just hope you’ll stick by me

If you’re gonna take a chance on me

You have to know that I don’t express myself well

Through speech, that is… I stumble over my words and stutter when I get worked up. I sound angry when I really want to express my regret and disappointment. I hope you can be patient and navigate around my mess.

If you’re gonna take a chance on me

You must know that I overthink too much. I admit it. I don’t do well with jokes that touch on my insecurities. I hope you can be sensitive with your jokes and reassure me when you feel that I am being insecure.

If you’re gonna take a chance on me

I can be really honest and blunt with you

I hope you don’t take offense at my tone of voice but I’ll try to be careful in the way I speak to you. I just hope that you know I’m being very honest and you have the capability of hurting my heart.

I’m just becoming very cynical at this stage

As much as I want to keep my heart open

As I should…

I’m just afraid I will be falling for the wrong person again.

Although I feel like it

I want to talk about my pain

Because I have nobody to talk to

No one that I can truly talk to that

will make me feel like I’m heard

It could be that I made a mistake and you got hurt by me

Or that I did not do anything but you want to stop hurting me

But the way you handled it definitely left me feeling all lonesome and abandoned

Hey I can take a rejection you know

I can be quite intuitive when it comes to people too

Maybe after I have wrote all this down, it made me realise, what is all this feelings for?

I knew when I developed feelings for you I was digging my own grave

I knew when I fancied you I would never be who you were looking for

You wanted someone fair, with beautiful nose and eyes, soft and luscious locks and body that resembles a model

I wasn’t any of that 

I stopped at that… because I don’t think I can go on further.

My heart is in so much pain, I don’t know how much tears I have to shed to relieve myself of all the pain. I don’t know if you have gone through this type of pain. I feel so lonesome. I have nobody to talk to. They all told me I can talk to them but when I tried, even through my pain, I felt that they got impatient. No one had the time and I ended up listening to them instead. God, I am tired at times. All I want is just to be heard. My own parents are tired of me. What do I do when everyone tires of me and I still have to go on living? I feel so sorry for existing.. 

Aren’t you the one who tells everyone to keep going? You should too.
I know that with all the thoughts in your mind right now it gets a little hard.

You are just going through different thought processes.

Some might be true and some might not be.

I know you are feeling so much pain in your heart that nobody knows.

You have to deal with it yourself and that gets a little lonely.

He is in love with someone else and it breaks your heart to pieces.

But you will heal and it will become whole again.

Just like you were given the choice to love him, he too has his choice

To choose the woman of his dreams.

It might not seem that way but soon, your time will come.

You will fall for somebody and this time round, he will feel the same for you.

At this moment, it truly hurts because you don’t have time to grieve

And you don’t have a space to share your feelings.

But you must know, that you have God with you always.

People can be really disappointing and they will never understand what you are going through. 

There is no right time for it but I hope you are kind to yourself.

You need to do this, for yourself.

Even if it’s the most painful truth

You are just a companion

Someone who is convenient to him

You are a backup like he said

Because the one he truly wants is the person he is talking to

At late night

Don’t get it wrong because it’s not you

And it never will

I let my thoughts dwindle into a series of negativity

And it spreads like a disease to those around me

I remember being a ball of energy, the one who causes laughter in their bellies but now... I am just a nuisance.

They tell me I take things too seriously, I get jealous and I assume things. But what I get is their vibe..

I am treated like an idiot, someone who is crazy and people see me as your fool.

And I truly realised that you never wanted to listen